You may not be familiar with Mozy Café. If you are not, you’re probably that portly gentlemen I stood behind in line at Filiberto’s last week. How are you, sir? Did those carne fries work out for you? Are you aware of the obesity epidemic plaguing America? Have you outgrown your pants yet? Then go to Mozy café. All Mozy customers leave with six-pack abs, guaranteed. Six-pack abs, and a newfound reverence for Mother Earth’s bountiful blessings. Wait, better still. Six-pack abs, a newfound reverence for Mother Earth’s bountiful blessings, and probably only five dollars less in your wallet.
On Hwy 101, north of wherever you currently are, sits this den of flax seed oil and plantain-itude. Whenever you are off of work on a weekday and you know that the good people of the Pannikin will probably roll their eyes if they have to make you yet another goddamn lox plate, it is your only lunch option. Seriously, ONLY. Lunchtime laws in Encinitas are getting very stringent. Just such a situation arose last week (as it does every week), and my lush-ious friend, the Sotbot, managed to stumble in with me to order some Caribbean burritos.
How does one describe manna? Probably in much the same way one describes the Caribbean burrito… in English, impeccable English. Indulgently wrapped in a wheat tortilla, well over the legal amount of jack cheese lovingly caressed an obscene amount of sweet plantains. Grotesquely rich black beans and an almost repulsive display of avocados finished off the filling and threatened to ruin my bodacious figure and that of my intoxicated pal. And yet…our pants stayed on. My elastic waistband (I always insist on elastic) failed to expand. Not a seam was displaced on the Sotbot’s spandex leggings. Quite to the contrary, my abs felt firmer, my chins undoubled; hell, even ole Drunkie’s shoes felt loose. It had to be our fatty burritos, but I’m certainly not one to dodge a thrilling journalistic investigation. I headed straight for the top.
I confirmed with the cashier who took our order, and it was true. We were by far the most attractive people that she has ever seen enter the restaurant. And not only that, but, just as we suspected, the food WAS responsible for making us thinner. No doubt sensing by our shapely spandex-encased physiques that we were health conscious ladies, the cooks snuck in a few key wheat and flax based ingredients into our food. They carefully extracted all butter and eggs from our vegan chocolate chip cookies and banana bread and replaced them with what I can only assume was love. (Editor’s note: Later scientific testing actually revealed a complex alloy of Love, miracle oil, and Himalayan Goji juice.)
I then concentrated my investigative efforts on the menu. Pointing my eyes up above the cashier, I nearly balked. Years of journalistic training, however, have disciplined me to be in complete control of my balking reflex at all times. But, just between you and me, I totally balked later on, in private. But I digress, after successful balk-suppression, I noted that the menu is, like, probably half vegetarian. (Editor’s note: after consulting my TI-84 plus, I can with full confidence verify that it was EXACTLY about half vegetarian.) The Sotbot renounced meat on the spot. burritos=looser leggings; meatless=caribbean burrito; further consultation with TI reveals transitive property implying that: Pirates of the Caribbean=vegans, and we all know how loose Johnny Depp's leggings are. I was picking up what the inebriated crusader was throwing down. And for once it wasn't an empty shot glass.
So there you have it. Conclusive evidence that Mozy Café has got some pretty healthy eats for not too much money. They cater to vegetarians, vegans, sots, professors, and hippie-chicks. So literally, all walks of life. They serve their body slimming burritos with blue chips, described/slurred by the Sotbot as, “well kinda stale, actually.” God, she must’ve been WASTED. You can eat outside on the patio in the sun or inside…on the indoor-patio in the sun. And for God’s sake, you better order that vegan banana bread because the good people at the Pannikin are a little sick of fetching your pastries, too.
Thesis Statement: double the bountiful blessing reverence, double the legal blood alcohol content, double patio, but only single chin.
Extra Free Bonus Statement: boy, this really unraveled near the end, but if I could just get a double mocha from the Pannikin…I know I could improve…guys?
On Hwy 101, north of wherever you currently are, sits this den of flax seed oil and plantain-itude. Whenever you are off of work on a weekday and you know that the good people of the Pannikin will probably roll their eyes if they have to make you yet another goddamn lox plate, it is your only lunch option. Seriously, ONLY. Lunchtime laws in Encinitas are getting very stringent. Just such a situation arose last week (as it does every week), and my lush-ious friend, the Sotbot, managed to stumble in with me to order some Caribbean burritos.
How does one describe manna? Probably in much the same way one describes the Caribbean burrito… in English, impeccable English. Indulgently wrapped in a wheat tortilla, well over the legal amount of jack cheese lovingly caressed an obscene amount of sweet plantains. Grotesquely rich black beans and an almost repulsive display of avocados finished off the filling and threatened to ruin my bodacious figure and that of my intoxicated pal. And yet…our pants stayed on. My elastic waistband (I always insist on elastic) failed to expand. Not a seam was displaced on the Sotbot’s spandex leggings. Quite to the contrary, my abs felt firmer, my chins undoubled; hell, even ole Drunkie’s shoes felt loose. It had to be our fatty burritos, but I’m certainly not one to dodge a thrilling journalistic investigation. I headed straight for the top.
I confirmed with the cashier who took our order, and it was true. We were by far the most attractive people that she has ever seen enter the restaurant. And not only that, but, just as we suspected, the food WAS responsible for making us thinner. No doubt sensing by our shapely spandex-encased physiques that we were health conscious ladies, the cooks snuck in a few key wheat and flax based ingredients into our food. They carefully extracted all butter and eggs from our vegan chocolate chip cookies and banana bread and replaced them with what I can only assume was love. (Editor’s note: Later scientific testing actually revealed a complex alloy of Love, miracle oil, and Himalayan Goji juice.)
I then concentrated my investigative efforts on the menu. Pointing my eyes up above the cashier, I nearly balked. Years of journalistic training, however, have disciplined me to be in complete control of my balking reflex at all times. But, just between you and me, I totally balked later on, in private. But I digress, after successful balk-suppression, I noted that the menu is, like, probably half vegetarian. (Editor’s note: after consulting my TI-84 plus, I can with full confidence verify that it was EXACTLY about half vegetarian.) The Sotbot renounced meat on the spot. burritos=looser leggings; meatless=caribbean burrito; further consultation with TI reveals transitive property implying that: Pirates of the Caribbean=vegans, and we all know how loose Johnny Depp's leggings are. I was picking up what the inebriated crusader was throwing down. And for once it wasn't an empty shot glass.
So there you have it. Conclusive evidence that Mozy Café has got some pretty healthy eats for not too much money. They cater to vegetarians, vegans, sots, professors, and hippie-chicks. So literally, all walks of life. They serve their body slimming burritos with blue chips, described/slurred by the Sotbot as, “well kinda stale, actually.” God, she must’ve been WASTED. You can eat outside on the patio in the sun or inside…on the indoor-patio in the sun. And for God’s sake, you better order that vegan banana bread because the good people at the Pannikin are a little sick of fetching your pastries, too.
Thesis Statement: double the bountiful blessing reverence, double the legal blood alcohol content, double patio, but only single chin.
Extra Free Bonus Statement: boy, this really unraveled near the end, but if I could just get a double mocha from the Pannikin…I know I could improve…guys?
5 comments:
Hi! I haven't read this post yet, but I'm about to right now! I can't wait! I'll let you know how it goes in about 5-10 minutes. Later!
Wow! I just finished reading this latest post from the Professor, or, as I like to call her, the Pro-Fesser. Of course, my brain is in a tangled mess, which is classic Professor writing style.
I came away from this post with more questions than answers. Questions like:
1) Can you copyright the phrase "body-slimming burritos"?
2) I think I work with that guy you saw at Filiberto's last week. Is his name Castro?
3) Was he wearing a Hawaiian shirt? I totally know that guy.
4) Could lox be ANY more pink?
5) What's with hippies and plantains? Is it like, "I'm too good for bananas"? Or is it like "plantains totally get you high"? Or what?
5) Is Himalyan Goji juice real, or did you make it up? I want some.
6) Was your thesis statement confirmed by the observations and evidence included in the body of your essay? What conclusions did you draw?
Thanks for sharing this link, but unfortunately it seems to be offline... Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please reply to my post if you do!
I would appreciate if a staff member here at madaboutbayous.blogspot.com could repost it.
Thanks,
Thomas
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